


If you're not with me

by cassiemortmain



Series: Swift as a deer, quiet as a shadow [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, First Love, Marriage Proposal, POV Gendry, Romance, What Happens After
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 03:52:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18865153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiemortmain/pseuds/cassiemortmain
Summary: After the Battle of Winterfell - Gendry is looking for Arya. Eventually, he finds her.  Episode 8.04, missing moments fic.





	If you're not with me

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second fic in my Gendrya series. After all our excitement when Gendrya became canon, I really wanted to write my own version of their story in canon post 8.03 - that's what this fic is for. 
> 
> Yes, it's an angsty one... headed for a post-canon fix-it ending.

Ser Davos is the first one to raise a glass to him.  "Lord Gendry Baratheon, of Storm's End!"

It feels strange to be the centre of attention. And he's not sure about being a lord.  But being legitimised, being recognised as part of a family, having a home, somewhere to belong... that feels good.

And all he wants to do is share the news with the person who means the most to him in the world.

He leaves the banquet and slips outside to the courtyard, pushing through the raucous crowd into a quiet passageway that leads away from the noise.

He's guessed right.  An arrow whips past his face.

It's his first sight of her up close since the battle.  Her face is bruised, her body tense, as if holding itself up by sheer force of will.

He tells her, and the words don't come easily.  But saying them out loud for the first time, saying them to her, seeing her smile at him - that feels even better.

And that gives him the courage to step towards her, take hold of her, pull her to him.

And kiss her.

She returns the kiss, and he's overwhelmed by a sense of belonging.  As if he's exactly where he should be, for perhaps the first time in his life.

Her presence is intoxicating, her eyes are soft, and his heart breaks open, like a clay jug thrown to the floor. 

So he tells her that she's beautiful, and that he loves her.  

He  _loves_  her.

And saying that to her feels amazing, and absolutely _right_ , right from the depths of his soul.

"None of it will be worth anything if you're not with me... So, be with me!"

He takes a pace backwards, drops to one knee, looks up at her.  What he thinks a lord should do, before speaking the words that are suddenly in his mouth.

"Be my wife.  Be the Lady of Storm's End."

Her colour is high as, gaze locked with his, she moves down to kneel on the floor with him.

Putting her hands on his face, drawing him towards her, kissing him.  Such a kiss, long and soft.  Her fingers caress his neck, sending chills of delight down his spine.

Then, she takes hold of him and gets to her feet, not breaking their kiss, bringing him with her.  A second kiss once they're standing again, her eyes remaining closed as she pulls away gently.

For a moment, he thinks she may say yes.  What's happened between them - it's real, it's true.  He knows it is.  That has to mean something.

But when she opens her eyes, and he sees their dark gleam, he knows.

When it comes, her rejection is complete.  "... I'm not a lady.  I never have been.  That's not me."

She turns away and picks up her bow, and it's clear she thinks the conversation is over.

And it's as if a curtain falls between them.  No longer the playful cub - she's the lone wolf.  The slayer of the Night King - cold, calculating, focused on the task in hand.

_Is that it, is that really it?  That's all I get?_

He turns away without a word and walks back down the corridor to the courtyard.  His face is hot, his lips pressed together.

 _Fuck that for a game of soldiers..._ What he needs now is more to drink.  A lot more.

Somewhere far away from Arya Stark.

* * *

The next day, she comes looking for him.  "Where have you been?  I thought you would..."

"I'm surprised you bothered,” he snaps. His head aches, his mouth is dry.   _Blame the Hound for that..._

"You’re angry, you’re hurt.  I’m sorry I hurt you."

There's a hardness in his eyes he can't hide from her.  "Oh, really?  If you'll excuse me, I've got to go.  I’ve got some packing to do before I leave."

She's taken aback, her cool facade shaken a little.  "What are you talking about?"

"Did you really think I wouldn’t be part of what's happening next?  The Queen, the war... the people in the Stormlands could need my protection."

"I know that, but I hadn’t quite realised..."

"Yes, well there’s a lot of that going around, isn’t there?"

"I’m  _sorry_  I hurt you, I said that.  It’s the last thing I wanted to do.  It’s just that – I thought you knew that about me... I'm not a lady, I never wanted to be.  I told you that, years ago."

"Can’t you look beyond... it’s just a label, nothing else.  It can be what you, what we, make of it."

He steps closer to her.

"Look, I’m no lord either, everyone knows that.  But if someone is going to give me this chance, I will do it my way.  Make a difference to the lives of the people in those lands, look out for them, not just fuck them over whenever it's convenient." 

He's looking over her shoulder, clenching his fists.  "I've been on the receiving end of what lords can do, and I'm going to do things differently."

"Like I said, you'll be a wonderful lord."

He looks back at her.  "But don't you see?  A lady can be whatever she wants to be, too." He lifts a hand to cup her face.  Their eyes meet, lock.

"I meant what I said to you last night.  You  _are_  beautiful, and I  _do_  love you.  For who you are, for everything you are.  I know the idea of marriage was a bit... fast, but..." He clears his throat, swallows.  "Now that I belong somewhere, I have something to share with you - I never had that before.  So I meant that too.  I want to be your family."

Tears gleaming in her eyes at his use of that word, so charged between them with memory and loss.

She looks down, breaking his gaze, pulling away from his touch.  "But... I can’t, I just can’t.  There are things I have to do, things that I’ve spent my life..."

"Oh, you mean your list?"

"You know about that?

"Of course I do.  We slept beside each other for a long time – do you think I didn't hear you every night?  That's why you don't sleep, isn't it?  Because you're still dreaming about revenge."  

Her eyes are wide as they find his again.  "I...it’s who I am.  I...I have to do this.  Don’t you understand?  I have to go, and I... I don’t expect I'll be coming back.  And I can’t bear the thought... of you waiting for me, if I..."

"That's up to me, though, isn't it?"

"Please... don't make this harder than it has to be.  Can't you..."

"It's my decision.  Not yours.  You don’t have the power to choose how I feel."

He smiles at her, reaching up to brush the back of his hand down her cheek.  "I love you, I love you so much, Arya.  All I want is to make a life with you.  It doesn't matter to me _what_ that life is, as long as we're together."

Tears are falling down her cheeks now and she dashes them away with her fingers.  She's stumbling over her words, the shell around her cracking, splintering.  Breaking as he’s only seen her break once before, when she was naked in his arms.

"I can’t deal with this right now... it’s too much.  I can't feel... do you know who the first person I wanted to see after the battle was?  You.  And even during the battle, when I saw the Red Woman arrive, I was thinking about you.  When... and it made me weak, made me afraid of what could happen, of...  I can't afford to feel that.  I can't afford to  _feel_  at all.  I need to be strong, to..."

"So go ahead.  Don’t let me stop you."  He's turning, about to walk away.

"Wait..."  She grabs his hand and pulls him back to face her. 

And that heat is between them again.  Raw, savage, primal.  Irresistible.

He’s not sure, afterwards, who moves first this time.  He only knows he’s holding her, lifting her off her feet, his hand tangling in her hair.  They're grabbing, pulling, sharing kisses that burn, kisses fierce as dragonfire.

It's like the last time... even more than the last time.  Sweeping him away, sweeping them both away.

And for a moment, it’s everything.

But the moment passes. 

He lets go of her, steps back, puts his hands up.  "No, I can’t.  I can’t do this."

Her eyes are grey smoke, her mouth,  _oh Gods, her mouth..._  "You don’t want to?"

"Of course I want to! I’ve just been in a battle and it's still all I can think about..."

"Then why? We can..."  She's breathless, flushed.  There's an ache in his belly from wanting her so much, too much.

"You thought  _I_  was the one who didn’t know  _you_.  Well guess what, the feeling’s mutual."

He takes another step away from her, breath ragged.  His words come quickly, flying like arrows.

"I can’t break my life into pieces like you do.  Just... being with you like  _that_ , without... it isn’t enough.  Not for me, not any more.  We should just..."

"Just what?" She’s staring at him, eyes glittering, rising up on her toes as if ready to run. The beauty of starlit skies, of silent forests, of secret paths only she knows - a beauty all her own.

And he’s utterly bewitched by her.

Which is why he can’t believe what he’s about to say.  But he must say it, even though he's breaking his own heart.

"Just – leave it.  It’s better for both of us.  You go and do whatever it is you think you need to do – maybe one day you’ll remember, you’re a human being, just like the rest of us.  A human being who can feel, who can love and be loved.  Let’s hope it’s not too late by then."

"Too late?"

He rubs his face, looks down.  "I may not survive this last battle.  You may fail in your mission.  Who knows what will happen before we see each other again, if we ever do..."

"What are you..."

"You said so yourself.  Any lady would be lucky to have me.  Maybe I should take your advice."  He throws up his hands, lifts his eyes to hers.  "I don't want anyone else, of course I don't.  All I want is you, all I'll ever want...  But you clearly don't feel the same way.  And that's, I can't..."

Suddenly he’s so tired, he can barely stand.

"It's no use, I should go."  A rueful smile, a shake of his head. "I should have known, seeing you with those knives.  When you strike, you strike to the heart."

"Gendry..."  Her face is white, and she's biting her lip.

He picks up her hand, placing a gentle kiss on the back of it, then lets it go.  "I hope you find what you're looking for, my love. Take that with you on the road."

Then he lifts his hand to his heart and bends his head, a bow of farewell.

And this time, as he leaves her, tears stinging behind his eyes, he’s the one who doesn’t look back.

**Author's Note:**

> After the show ended, I really hated the way things turned out for them. So I'm now writing two versions of their story in a Gendrya series which will follow two paths (as I needed them both) - a canon compliant, angsty path (with a fix it fic post-canon ending) and an AU, non canon compliant path. This fic is the first one of those.
> 
> I plan to tie both threads together again by the end of the series - which will be the happy ending I think they deserve!
> 
> Plus - I've been obsessed with and inspired by a particular 8.03 fan video which I've watched way more times than I care to admit ;) - check on youtube for the one by Ariel, with Movement by Hozier as its music - gave me chills! Perfect editing, sexy, romantic... one of the best fanvids I have ever seen. If you haven't watched it yet - run, don't walk! Gives me such inspiration to keep telling their story.


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